Behind the Wall of Ice
by MegHidd
Summary: Are people born wicked, or is it thrust upon them? After a hard life, Brain Freezer finds out what it's like to be loved and cared about. Something he wasn't even used to. Please R


Disclaimer-Do Not Own Any Characters...although this one is my favorite.

"What's your real name?" he asked. I shook my head in protect. If he knew my name…but how could he know? No, even Johnny wasn't that stupid. It was everywhere…the scars are still there. The snow was hitting harder and I couldn't hold out for much longer.

"I can't-I can't tell you, I'm sorry," I started to get off the bench when a hard wind threatened to blow me down. I pulled my coat tighter. It was so bitter outside; I remember I used to love the cold. It was everything I was, I connected to it because I absolutely could not stand heat. Burning, frying, or any kind of high temperature made up flinch. I knew that's what made me so pale, that and I looked just like my father.

"Brain freezer, wait!" he got up.

"That's not my name!" I snapped, turning on my heels. I started coughing, and before I knew it, two gentle hands were leaning me back to sit. I shivered, leaning my head back on the bench.

"Then what is it?" I sighed and shrunk back into my small jacket. I couldn't cry, not now. But he wanted to know, I had to tell someone. I might die of the cold, and there are so many that went through the same things I did. For one my brother, my sister…just not her as much. We both tried to keep her safe from everything, but God, she wasn't an idiot. She knew and hated what we did to shield her in vain. It wasn't right what he did, but nothing was ever right with the world.

"_Look you little rat; I don't wanna see your face for the rest of the night! Look at me you iced eyed freak! Make that a week. You come out of your room, you'll be so sorry!-"_

"_But Dad, please!" He took the cigarette out of his mouth, bent down to meet my eyes, and grabbed my arm. "Dad!" I pleaded, regretting about thinking he would change an now trying to stop my arm from the burning I knew was on it's way. My brother wouldn't come for me tonight, I knew he wouldn't. Our fight earlier about his_ _schizophrenia__ killed any change of a saver. All I could do was squirm and try to wrestle my way out of his grip, but it was no use. He placed it on my skin and let it sizzle. I couldn't pull away, no matter how much I struggled. I wasn't going to scream, because it's what he wanted. But the longer it was there, the worse it damaged me. It felt like my skin was on God damn fire! I dared to look down, tears threatening to be shown, and I noticed just how many scars I had. He was now adding another, just for his own pleasure. My jaw tightened, my arm smoldering from him. I finally couldn't take it, and I screeched in agony. He took it off and let me fall backwards, head first. My first instinct was to reach out and hold my arm for comfort. But that would hurt worse than the infection he wouldn't treat, the scar that will come, or the memory I would carry along with the rest. I stared at it, my whole self still shaking, and I let the waterfall and anger just rise to the surface. I cried the most that night then I had the whole year. _

"_Stop your sniveling you ungrateful stupid ass! Your just like your father, you know that? You'll marry a hoar, go insane, die in jail." He laughed, and flicked the cigarette towards me. If I didn't dodge it, it would have burnt my stomach. "I give you a home, off the streets, food every week. I'm the best "Dad" you'll ever get! Get out…go to your room, you hear? Get out you ball-less brat!" I ran up the stairs and into my attic bedroom. _

I was thirteen, same age as Johnny is now. I pulled out my arm, I could still see the scars. Perfect circles, pink on the outside with a white center. The old cuts, remnants of the swollen body parts, toughened skin from the beatings. But those weren't to often, my brother took most of those for me. Most.

"How did those happen?" he mumbled, leaning in for a better look.

"For lack of a better way of easing into that, my adopted father," I admitted. "He took in me, my sister, Lena, and my older brother, Dick,"

"I'm sorry…" he apologized quickly, "I really am, I just…" he fumbled his hands, not knowing what to say.

"Was hoping it was wasn't that?" I finished solemnly. I covered my arm back up as he nodded. "Yeah well, life sucks sometimes,"

"Do you want to come inside to my house? It-it's warmer," I didn't like heat, but warm sounded nice. I looked him in the face, my ice blue eyes scanning for tricks, anything indicating falsehood and treachery. I saw nothing but concern. I coughed more, harsh and raspy as he led me inside.

"You'll feel nice and warm in no time!" he reassured me. I gulped. He sat me next to the fire and told me to take my coat and shoes off. "Now I'll go make you some hot coffee and if anyone asks, tell them to take it up with me," he sang and ran off into the kitchen. As long as it wasn't his dad's coffee mix, I'll be fine. Mr. Test had a tendency to screw up even the best of things. Coffee was my favorite anything in the world, and I couldn't wait to taste it again. I slid my hands back and forth, blowing my breath on them so they would be purple anymore. Then twisted the bottom of my shirt to let water run out.

"_Jack, you have to get out of this town," Dick and I sat under the stars that Saturday. It was the last day of my grounding in my room. I snacked on the sandwich some more and my smile that was forming instantly disappeared. Dick held the rag closer to his eye. It was nice of him to fix food for me so I don't starve, but as always, very risky. _

"_Why should I get out, where would I go?" _

"_You ever heard of college, or a bigger town?" _

"_School after school and yeah, Porkbelly isn't to far from here," he nodded and handed me the towel. I put it over my cheek. Dad hit harder than anyone I knew, but no one else hit me so I guess I don't quite know what anyone else's fist feels like. "I'll think about it…" _

"_Say you will get away from here and I'll give you a present," I raised an eyebrow. _

'_What is it?" I spoke slowly to Dick. Dick was either going to pull out something really nice or trick me and threaten to push me off the roof we were sitting on. He could a real dooshebag that way sometimes. _

"_Say yes first," I shock my head yes and he pulled out a mug of fresh black coffee. My smile came back. I thanked him and sipped it happily. I offered him a drink and he turned it away. "It's your little bro, always yours to have," _

Someone fell behind me. I jumped and sprang up to my feet, wanting to run. I knew this was a bad idea to follow Johnny here and now I've gone and scared someone silly. Mary, one of his sisters, popped up holding her head.

"Do you need help?" I offered. She looked at me and backed up towards the kitchen entry. Johnny had run to the bathroom and she was alone. My face drooped and settled myself right in front of the fire, twisting my shirt again to let the last bit of freezing water run into the blaze.

"Johnny let you in?" she cautioned. She placed her hands on the couch an seldomly and inch by inch would move my way.

"He saw me asleep on a bench, woke me up, and told me to come inside," I haphazardly explained. I heard more inching footsteps. 'Where's the dog?"

"Sick,"

"Ah, too bad, he makes great company," I set one of my hands to close to the heat of the fire and almost burnt it. "How about Susan?...Ow…" I grumbled when it hit the heat.

"Your don't put it that close that you burn yourself,"

"_Your move boy, and believe me, it hurts like hell!" I stayed still as long as I could, not blinking, not breathing, doing nothing to want to make him connect that gross nicotine death stick to my collarbone. He stuck in back in him mouth and blew the smoke up my nose. I coughed and coughed until I couldn't breath. "I told you not to move!" He connected in anyways… Dick watched from the stairs, covering Lena's head so Dad wouldn't hear her cry.  
_

I shook my head, and backed up a few inched, then stuck my hands back towards the fireplace.

"Here, take this," I turned around and she was offering me a blanket. I hesitantly grasped it, but then she insisted. I covered myself up and she turned a knob attached to the electric blanket. It felt better and was drying off my damp clothes.

"Thank you," I muttered softly. She sat down across from me, making me feel a bit awkward. I think she felt the same since she wouldn't look me in the face. Or maybe she didn't want to see my face. My nose was far larger than it should be, eyes much to hard, and my pale complexion didn't do well to make me look like a very normal person. When she did speak up it helped, a little.

"It's no problem. Susan is watching Gil sleep and I just left to get a drink, do you want something?-"

"Johnny offered me coffee," I shot back. I didn't want her to leave. Or frankly, Johnny to come. She made me feel like butterflies where dancing around inside my gut, I had only felt that once before, and I meet a terrific person with it.

"You sure like coffee don't you?" She rolled her eyes. "You know coffee turns your teeth yellow, right?" I smiled really big to her.

"Are they yellow to you?" She laughed and shook her head no.

"Blinding white," she complimented. I grinned at that. We sat for a few seconds in silence. "I thought you said Johnny was bringing you coffee?"

"He is, he's just taking a while," I snickered.

"Guess so," she tapped her fingers on her shoe, I put my hand under my chin to rest my head on. Suddenly she stopped and just stared at me. I felt like I did something wrong, so I panicked.

"What?" I stammered. She pointed to my hand and I tried to find what she was gawking at. I scanned my hand for anything. Dad didnt do anything to our hands, we could cover our arms, but not hands.

"Not your hand!" she took it and pulled part of my sleeve up, just enough to see my wrist. She flipped in over, and that's when I saw it another burn mark.

"_Let him go!" Dick cried, swatting at Dad with everything he had, it just wasn't nearly enough. Dad swatted him to the ground like a small insect to feeble to get up. Dick was no more than a year older, it was like throwing me down almost. He kept dragging me to the kitchen by my hair, and flung me to the counter. I clashed with the edge with my forehead and I could feel it beginning to swell up already. He took my arm and lit a fresh death stick. He took a puff, then another, then another. _

"_You listen to me when I tell you this, DO YOU HEAR?" I didn't say anything, just quivered there under his grip. His clutch tightened and he threaten yet another scar, but instead he picked me up with one arm and drug me to the counter. With one shift move, I was on my back still panicking, and my legs dangling off to the side. One arm was pinning me by my neck, the other aiming for a punch. All I had to do was kick him, kick him where I knew it would hurt. Then run, run far away. It wasn't that simple though…Dick was still here, Lena was too. He took the cancer stick to my whist, a place never exposed to the heat before and watched it blister. And I could do was take it and clench my teeth harder to control my rage. _

"I-I…had a really mean Dad," I chocked. She looked closer at the scar. It was a deep hole, one my index finger would fit in.

"It's a cigarette burn from years ago. Was infected but healed with no outside help. Lots of pressure was put on it so I'm guessing he was a big man. The way it jerks to the side, as if someone snatched it away, is very concerning to me," She pulled my sleeve higher and exposed four more, all equally as gross and hideous looking. "He was a chain smoker as well. This was his favorite thing to do wasn't it?"

"_Dad, stop!" Dick bellowed. He just stared at him, then back to me, laughed and spit in my eye. I jerked my arm away, cradling it for comfort. "What's her name?" he interrogated, throwing the crumpled cigarette_ to the ground. _I shook my head no, I would take just about anything to keep that girl safe. I was fourteen, old enough to think for myself. He grinded his teeth and let me go. I reached for my neck with my good hand so I breath again, I remember I heard a large crash and when I looked, I found he was standing over the coffee machine, but it was broken and in pieces. I gasped. "Next will be you," he threathened. _

_I cried, my coffee gone. "I won't tell you!" I refused. I was about to lose it, my precious coffee, gone! _

"_Jack, you're being stupid! It not like he'll go after her!" Dick paused, gathered himself, and went on and looked me in the eyes. He leaned up on the doorframe with one arm, lowered his head and sighed. "Her name is Brenna Casselton," he muffled. Dad looked at me, gave me a good kick to the shin, and bent down to greet me another chock-hold. I grasped his hands to pull them off, but I couldn't. _

"_I hear that you've been kissing up on another girl again, your both dead…" he let me go and I coughed, gasping for air. I strained to stand up, but wobbled and used my good hand to balance myself with the counter. _

"_She is the most brilliant, devoted person I've ever meet! And I-I-" I screamed. He turned around. Both him and Dick were ogling my face.I was debating on who's was more sinister than the other.  
_

"_You what? Love her or somethin'?" he challenged. He smirked and went off into the living room, popping the top off of a beer can. I stomped to my room, Dick wasn't following.  
_

"He was physically and mentally abusive…to me, my brother and sister. It wasn't so bad when we were little with my single father, it was when I was eleven that things started to get bad. Our mother was very…let's just day she got around a lot at night. My father didn't start to notice until I was old enough to be the only one that looked like him or her. They spilt, he had custody, but his friend helped a lot. He had a wife and one baby girl that were both equally as shy, we eventually found out why…My father died in January that year, and with no other family, his friend took us in. We were beat things into us a lot, even for the simple mistakes like a zero on an assignment. I was smarter than most of the kids at my school but my older brother, Dick…he had dyslexia and Residual Schizophrenia. I only had anger issues that I still think is IED. Plus with my brother having major self-confidence in himself, that pissed Dad off even more. "Dad" was what he made us call him. When his wife died the next year, he was depressed, drank, and smoked like crazy. It was almost better when he was drunk, he didn't know what was going on and most of the time just passed out on the couch, leaving us to do dinner and take care of ourselves. I got out of that prison early and into college, the one I also got a job at."

"I'm sorry," she cried and let go of my wrist. She wrapped her arms around her knees and puzzled over what I just told her.

"It's over now…" I explained, pulling my sleeve back down

"No its not, no one should ever have to go though that. Especially that young," she lamented, grief-stricken.

"_Dick, what's wrong?" I asked. His eyes were big and he stammered backwards. He clenched his eyes tightly and rubbed them, trying to get whatever hologram/vision out of his head. He shook it and blinked a few times. _

_ "Intimidating ghosts," he quivered.  
_

_ "Again? You see those a lot," I commented. "Better than the bats though, those scared me just talking about them,"_

_ "No, this was worse…because it was me as Dad," _

"What happened to your brother and your sister?" she pondered. My face faded, eyes lost. Dick…he… he warned me. But my fury and resentment got the best of me and I snapped. If it weren't for me, about to do something I would regret for the rest of my life, it would be different. I wouls still be living with Dad. I would have probably been killed, my funeral that Tuesday at 1 pm. "I'm sorry if I'm imposing, I didn't mean to be rude," she repented. I waved it away with my hand and began to cough. She patted me on the back over and over until my lungs were almost in my throat.

"Thanks," I cracked. We stood in silence for a good while until I couldn't help it anymore. She seemed like she genially cared. Really wanted to help, just like Johnny, just like Lena, just like…no one else but them. Dick just wanted me to leave and I did. I had too eventually. I should tell her, I should spill everything. I didn't want to, but found somewhere the heart and mind to open up to Mary.

"My brother and I would hang out on the roof when I was sad or Dad had just done something. Sometimes I went alone, but most of the time, he was there. I had gotten an early acceptance letter for Porkbelly University. Dad wouldn't pay, so I would have to get my own job. I had a girlfriend, Brenna, that I was forbidden to see but did anyways. I just turned fifteen that day… "

_"Jack, promise me you will take up their offer?" Dick begged. He handed me the kazoo and I blew it twice, waved one finger in a circular motion to express my very lovely birthday. It sucked horrendously to be honest. Dad came home slapstick drunk and Dick and him got into a fight. That on top of my only present was a smack cause I opened my mouth and my voice was annoying.  
_

_ "Dick, I don't want to leave you, Lena, or Brenna. Not with Dad to worry about. Things will be twice as hard, and I'll never get to see you again," I complained. He shook his head and scoffed, then grasped my shoulder for my attention. He knew it would get my attention cause that's how Dad did sometimes. I glared at him, he did that to make me flinch and listen, which I started to. _

_ "You'll see us, believe me when I'm out of high-school I'm suing Dad for the rights to Lena. He cant do that to her, he'll kill her," I winced at the way he said it so matter-a-fact. Like there was no way around it and so…well modestly. "Jack, please. Forget Brenna, she's a pretty girl an all, but you'll meet more of those. College women! I'd give anything to go there,"_

_ "I know, but Brenna is…different. I've told her about my secret a year ago and she doesn't do anything about it but hug me and tell me it will be okay,"_

_ "And lean on you and play with your hair and tell you how lovable you are and kiss on you every change she gets," he mocked. I stuck my tongue out at him, but I also couldn't hold back my smile. _

"We sat on there for hours at least, just talking. Mostly about what we would do when we got out. I was in love with Brenna and I didn't think twice about telling him about it. I wish I would have known that people eavesdrop onto others conversations,"

_Dick turned around to go back to his room, a moist rag in his hand from Dad earlier. He froze, one hand on the window frame, the other trembling irately and waving for me to go. Go where? Anywhere but there. _

"Things started to go in slow motion then. Everything was beginning to be memorized point by point and step by step. It would have honestly be better if I didn't know what the hell what going on or what I knew I did that night._"_

_I stopped, something was up. I heard a foot clomping the ground, and I knew it was Dad. _

_ "Get out of here," Dick whispered shoving me away. I didn't know what to do, I was inert and in a blur for those seconds. Before I could react though, Dad had grasped Dick by his collar and was heading towards me. I was bug-eyed and shaking when he reached out to grab the handful of my hair._

"I can see what happen clearly, but thinking…I didn't know what I was thinking…

"Dad ran up and grabbed both of us, me by my hair and dragged us towards the kitchen. That was his favorite spot to take us every time. He threw down Dick like trash and how usually Dick got up from those things," I took a breath. "He hit his head on the wall and blacked out. Lena was upstairs, we had always told her never to come down when Dad was hitting us, but…sometimes she was as stubborn as all of us. He had one arm across my chest pinning me down," I rubbed my torso; I could feel the pain like it was there now. Aching and pulling me down. "He told me that the death stick treatment wasn't enough for me anymore," I spat. "So he took a kitchen knife from the drawer behind him with his other hand. He said that was the big boy treatment. It was long, sharp, and of all the moments and everything he's ever done…I was never more scared for my life than when he put the flat side, not where it severs but the cold metal to the side of my face and cackled. Cackled like a damn witch," He didn't care about me, Dick, Lena, no one but himself. If I died that day, it would have meant nothing but like whipping gum off the bottom of his shoe. I clenched my fists tightly into white balls. "He took the razor-sharp side and cut from my temple down to the edge of my ear. I was bleeding, about the pee my pants, and so…scared. I wish I had a different word to describe it. Anything: frightened, horrified, apprehensive, but nothing works. Just scared. About that time Dick started to come through."

_"Dad, please! I won't do it again, I leave her alone! Just don't kill me!" I beseeched, crying like a damn fool. _

_ "Why should I trust you? You're a ball-less, foul, mindless pig! I bet you couldn't get enough of her, could you? Her smell, her lips," He got so close to my face I could smell the alcohol on his breath, "Was she good in bed? Huh, how far have you gone with her? You done the same thing your father did?" I was struggling, I wanted to shout, "No you bastard! That was you, not him!""Um...what does she think of you? Or are you just her boytoy and lover? Do you love her, because she dont love you! Who on God's given Earth could love someone as careless, stupid, and mental as you?  
_

"He belittled and egged on and on," I elucidated in the harshest tone I could muster. "The knife slid down my arm, making a faint line across. It didn't hurt, to much adrenaline for it too. He stopped at my fingers and gently placed the blade to my middle finger. If I moved my hand, he would cut the finger off. Problem was, I thought he would do it anyways. It would sure hurt like hell,"

"You mean he didn't?" she urged. I lowered my head, she leaned in to hear better, cause I started to mumble.

"No,"

_"No!" Dick refused. He grab Dad's foot and he was taken to the ground. The carving knife flew in the air, and missed my arm by inches. I sprang up as fast I could, standing on top of the counter. He lashed out at Dick. Dad threw him against the spice cabinet. He groaned, but he couldn't get up. _

_ "_Dick saved me, grabbed Dad's leg at the last second. They fought but Dick was thrown at the spice cabinet and taken out again. Frustration and rage rushed to my face and I cautiously seized the blade and hopped down. Dad was busy yelling at Dick that he didn't notice. I thought I was going to stab him, I truly felt like I would. Or maybe it was I should. I let the knife droop, just enough so I could say silently that I had given up. My brother saw it and got extremely angry to point he went over the edge."

_Dick's face changed. He was the one red from wrath and fury. He kicked Dad in the knee, I jolted up and forget all about the knife until Dad took me down with him with his dead weight. I shoved him off, but what once was Dad, bully and beater, was now quiet and still. Lifeless. I backed up, and gasped. My heart was going ninety to nothing, mind still racing, and I felt like I'd throw up at any second. _

"Dick shoved Dad with his foot into me behind him. We both fell due to Dad's dead weight. And it was literally dead. He was dead and off our backs."

_"Jack…go…get out of here now!"_

_ 'But what about Lena?" I screamed. What was I doing? Dad was dead! We both killed him! I killed him!_

_ "I'll take care of her, but you…you can get out!"_

_ "Why am I the only one that can get out!" I demanded, putting my hands on the top of my head to think. My face was bleeding, my head was pounding along with my heart, and I was stuck. I didn't know what to do and neither did Dick. I was panting so hard I barley noticed the silence that passed between us. _

_ "You're the only one Dad thought could, it's why you had it the worst, so you wouldn't…" he staggered to his feet. _

_ "Dick…please…what will you say, what will you do?" He looked me in the eyes and straighten his back. _

_ "Since we were eleven and twelve we've been fighting. Sometimes for out lives even. He deserved to die, for what's he's done to us. I hope he goes to hell! I hope they burn him for a hundred years! I'm calling it self-defense," he claimed. I ran up, packed a bag, and he called police as I was running away. I took one last look back, Lena was hiding in the living room, she saw the whole thing. She nodded back, Dick didn't even say goodbye. _

"He called it self-defense. Told me to take a hike. Anywhere was better than here. By the time the court case called it "Not-Guilty" and the investigation, the custody of our sister put with him, and everything sorted out, I had started up my own coffee house outside the college and was into my sophomore year. Dick told me it would make things complicated if I came, so I never did. My IED started to hit me hard then. Nightmares woke me up every night until my roommate insisted he pay to get me help. I snapped one day at the bar when a girl said no to a date. I was mentally unstable ever since. I went back to Dick hoping he would help, but he claimed to have his own issues. Basically in plain words, I was on my own from now on with my criminal ass,"

_I was on the payphone, it was bitter cold outside and I couldn't see anything but the streetlamp above my head. Snow was beating down like Canada came down for a vacation. _

_ "I'm sorry Jack, there's nothing I can do," Dick retorted. Dishes were clattering in the background, being cleaned by hand. I banged my head against the box and waited for my brain to explode. I heard a muffling and a little girl's voice._

_ 'Please? I want to talk to him!" she emitted. I lit up, it was Lena. _

_ "NO, now go back to bed!" he thundered. I cringed the way he said it. It was like Dad himself had been resurrected from the grave. _

_ "Dick," I soothed. I started coughing again until I couldn't breath. I starting banging my fist to my chest. I could hear both of them asking if I was okay, but had no air to tell them No, I'm not okay! Finally when inhaling wasn't impossible, I went on. "Don't yell at her," I rasped. _

_ "Don't tell me what to do," he miffed under his breath. "She's fine," _

_ "Lena's been through one bully, don't make it two Dick," I scolded. He sighed and I could feel him rubbing his temples. "I'm cold, I have no money, I'm sick Dick, please…help me..." The line was silent for so long I looked at the phone to see if the connection was dead or not. I still had three minutes left, I seriously thought I would die of hypothermia before time was up. _

_ "You are very sick; so where are you?" he huffed, getting short with me. _

_ "Porkbelly, in front of a grocery store," _

_ "Then sleep in front of that," I gasped and almost dropped the phone. "I have no gas money to get your criminal ass," he hung up. I cried then. The first time since Johnny tried to convince me to find a girlfriend. I fell to the ground. He was the last thing I had left…my last hope ditched me and would turn into the same selfish, abusive liar Dad was. I coughed again until I was hiccupping and bashing my head anticipating my own suicide with arms wide open. It never came, just a migraine later that made me get up and walk to the first thing I saw. A bench in front of a house, I didn't know who's, or where I was, but I knew I wanted to die. I was exhausted with this pathetic thing called a life. _

"Your brother found me on that bench not to long ago-"

"Wait, that happened today?" she quivered. I nodded slowly. She crept her hand towards mine and held it. I looked her in the face. She had beautiful bright red hair that curled. I wondered if it was naturally like that. I smiled, and she squeezed my hand harder.

"Your easy to talk too," I admitted. She giggled. Mary was perfect. I know I said that about a lot of girls, but she was gracious and attractive, both good features. My hand started shaking, and my smiled twitching. She was beginning to laugh harder and fell onto the floor right in front of me. I helped her up, rejoicing myself.

"You all right?" I questioned.

'Just fine, thanks," When I looked up at her, it startled me. She was inches from my face. My heart was pounding and her face went blank. Before I knew it though, we had kissed. I thought of Brenna, how much I was willing to do for her. Mary pulled away then, and my jaw dropped. I wanted more, I wanted her. It was the same feeling, but this time, no on was going to stop me from loving her. Not Dick, not her sister Susan, not even the memories of Dad. She would make them go away. I kissed her this time and she reached for my face. She cuddled up to me next to the fire. That night was the best of my existence, my heart my warm, my expression bright, and I think I finally got her over Gil…


End file.
